Racing

Sometimes I get a little jealous of people who have cancer.  It's a win/lose battle for them--they survive or they die.  Eventually my diabetes is going to get me, and it's probably going to take my eyes, kidneys, and mobility first.  No matter how well I manage it, I can never get rid of it and eventually it's going to kill me.  People with cancer, on the other hand, have a battle that only lasts at most for a few years.  Either treatment and medication works and they go on living, or it doesn't and they die.  When I settle my jealous thoughts down though, I realize both kinds of diseases are really just races.  Diabetes is like the 2 mile, and cancer's more like the 200 meter.  Cancer is a crazy hard battle that takes some very heavy strength and courage--it's over faster but it also takes a lot more out of the people who deal with it.  Diabetes is a longer battle and things go wrong slowly instead of all at once.  It takes strength, but it's the tomorrow-has-to-be-better kind of strength, rather than the I-can-get-through-at-least-one-more-day kind of strength.  I don't know if anything I'm writing makes sense, and I know being jealous of someone else's medical condition is a seriously warped the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side type of mental dysfunction.  Sometimes I just wish I could get everything over with.  But then I remember that while diabetes gives me a long time to figure out life, cancer can quickly cut life off whenever it strikes.  When I think about it like that, I'm glad I don't have an ultimatum like cancer looming over me.  I know plenty of people survive it these days, but plenty of people still don't, and I would rather have years of minor issues while I live life instead of a few weeks/days/hours left to say goodbye.

Puppies! (I want one...)

Okay, so, long story short, I love dogs. All dogs. Their furry faces, lolling tongues, and wagging tails just get me. And actually, my favorite dogs are usually mixes--I love the scraggly looking, long haired dogs the best (like the puppy right to the side of this). And then the fluffy ones that look kinda like foxes. But if I had to go with a specific breed, it would be a Welsh Corgi all the way. Just look at this little guy! (pictures below)
They are totally on the smallish side, but look at them! Ah! How could anyone not love that little face?!

So, in honor of everything cute and doggy, here are some of my favorite dog quotes:

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." Gene Hill
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." Ben Williams

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Anonymous

"Happiness is a warm puppy." Charles Shulz

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Anonymous

So, yup, dogs. I like them. :)

Oh yes, This is Happiness. :)

So. Guess what? I'm getting married in 17 days. Woo! I'm so happy and excited, and totally in love, and excited and jittery and so, so ready! I always thought I'd be a total wreck of nerves in the weeks leading up to getting married, back in the day when I thought getting married was going to happen in another five years from now. But, it's happening now, and I'm not nervous at all. Kyle is amazing, I'm amazing, and together we're super ultra awesome. What is there to be nervous about?

Now, yes, I know, marriage is not the magical cure-all. I know life is still going to be challenging and I'm still going to get stressed out. And sometimes those challenges are going to happen because I'll be married (gasp!). Two different people are bound to have problems when they mesh the tangles of their separate lives together. But guess what? Those difficulties are opportunities to learn more about each other and grow together. They won't feel happy or good when they happen, but after we work through them we'll be stronger and happier. And guess what else? The rest of the time those challenges and stress are going to be the results of living life, and when that happens I'll have my best friend right next to me to help me through.

I'm so, so ready to begin this next chapter. It's going to be so legit, awesome, wonderful, amazing, and happy. Totally. Ready, set, go. In 17 days. :)

Hear My Song, and Hear My Heart

Music calls to my soul like very few things can. Berthold Auerbach said, "music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." Berthold Auerbach was a German-Jewish poet who lived in the 1800s, and from this quote I know he is a kindred spirit. No matter what mood I'm in--dark, light, happy, frustrated, totally apathetic--music calls to me and awakens something right next to my heart. It is almost like I'm going through life in a black, gray, and white state, and then I hear something beautiful and suddenly I can see and appreciate colors again. All music strikes something in me--I think this is why I tend to lean towards happy, beautiful, thoughtful, and witty music. It isn't that angry music doesn't do anything for me, it's that it reminds me of everything I could be bitter about. I try to stay away from feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, but these thoughts are just too overwhelming when I hear unhappy music. It wakes me, but it wakes my fears, angers, and lost hopes. So, instead I listen to He is We and Owl City. Naturally not all of my music is happy go lucky--actually some of my favorite songs are also the most tragic ones I've heard, like Too Beautiful, Radio, or Kiss it all Better by He is We, or Fin by Anberlin, or the Highwayman by Loreena Mckennitt. But these songs don't make me feel black inside--it's more of a swirly blue color. They make me ponder life and the purpose of existence. Music is emotion. It is truth unhindered by words. It is love, life, pain, and existence all wrapped into something lovely. I love the quote, "Hear my song and hear my heart". I don't know who said it, but whoever it was must have pulled the words straight out of my soul.

Reality Check

Every now and then I read an article about refugees living in Israel, or about people who single-handedly disarm landmines in foreign country sides. These people have come through crazy, tragic, and truly hard situations, and they're still fighting to keep living. I know it's pointless, but I can't help but wonder how I would come through such experiences. Would I make it, a little heart-sore and tired, but still strong? I don't know. I credit myself with being a survivor--a person who keeps going no matter what--but compared with the incredible people whose struggles I can only imagine... I don't know. Sometimes after I read these articles I review what I've seen as trials, and I kind of have to laugh at myself. Of course I made it through, of course I'm fine. My pride in being a survivor collapses in on itself. The only disaster I've managed to survive so far has been myself. No one's trying to kill me or my family and friends. No one's stealing my freedom. Maybe I would make it through civil war and brutal discrimination, but I don't know. Honestly, I hope I never have to know.

Whimsical Genius

This is a wall in Germany that plays music when it rains--basically it goes through the funnels and pipes and voila: music! Someday I'm going to build my dreamhouse, and along with my spiral staircasey library, I'm totally going to design the outside walls so that they play music. Maybe I'll do something with pipes and wind too--so that it'll make music when it isn't raining. Basically though, what I'm trying to say, is that this is just awesome. Yup. If there were a recipe for what this is, it would go a little like this:
A heap of Awesome
3 handfuls of Genius
And like 6 liberal dashes of Whimsy.
Oh yeah, and a few pipes, funnels, and a wall. :D

Yup, this is Heaven.

So. Basically I want to live here. Ever since I learned to love books I've wanted my own library, and loft libraries have always been my favorite. This though totally tops loft libraries. First of all, because it has different levels! So many books! Next is the spiral staircase. Right beside my love of books is my love of boxes, clocks, sea shells, lockets, and spiral staircases. I LOVE spiral staircases, and this is amazing! Wow. Really, when I die I think Heaven is going to look something like this. :D